Regret

Last night Harper threw up for the first time. She would spit up a ton when she was a newborn, but this was full on throwing up...several times...and I wasn't there. I was at work at World Market. I took a seasonal job there for some extra Christmas money, and they asked me to stay on two nights a week. I figured I get to keep the discount, so why not. But I missed it. I missed being here for Harper's first throwing up experience. I know many moms out there will say to themselves, "yeah, well you'll get plenty more opportunities honey." And other people may wonder why I'm sad about this at all. But all I can keep thinking is how Harper must have seen it: "I feel terrible and I want my mommy."

Before I was a mother, I thought about all the usual things I would never want to miss...their first word, first steps, first day of school. Never did I dream about her first vomit! But now I'm Mommy. I want to be the person to hold her when she's feeling great and pointing at everything because it's her new favorite thing, and I want to hold her when she's feeling sick and tell her, even if she doesn't understand my words yet, that everything will be ok. By the time I got home she was finally asleep, and Chris and my mom were exhausted. I went into her room to check on her before I went to bed. I found myself hoping she would wake up just so that I could hold her and let her know I was home. She did wake up around 4:00 am, but she was just thirsty. I gave her some Pedialyte and rocked her for a while. She's all better. It only lasted the few hours while I was at work, which is good. But it just made me think. Maybe I should quit World Market. After all, I quit my great paying banking job at Chase and took a job at the camp so that I could be home if she needed me. I think I have a decision to make.